GOP CONVENTION SCHEDULE...

GOP Convention Event Schedule
AUG. 30-OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spikedleather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little toomuch.

TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED. LEST WE FORGET --

HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friendsof) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed InVietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, RecurrentHeadaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored byTyson Chicken)

ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY - THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OURFOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS! (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)

DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid 1,000,000 (cash,non-sequential bills 20's or less) CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!" Stirring fictionalizedre-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental appointment in Alabama in1972, where he showed the incredible courage to allow "deep cleaning"of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)

SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster" LIMBAUGH!(Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)

AUG 31OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H. Christ, aschanneled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the man who firstrevealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into waragainst the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short, upbeatpresentation on Islam called, "My God can Beat Up Your God."

TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.

WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle out ofCharlton Heston's cold dead fingers (subject to Heston's death)(Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)

DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an HispanicMuslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown persondoesn't automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subjectto finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this -- mayneed professional actor, possibly brought in from third world country)

CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans toinvade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entirecountry to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tellanxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced"consultants", will take one week and will be entirely funded bypocket change found in a White House couch.) (Sponsored byHalliburton)

SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH "Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!"(Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma -- sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)

SEPTEMBER 1OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate thespirit of Compassionate Conservatismb" and the eternal mercy of Godby wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hellfor all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexualnon-Republicans.

TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will presentLAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the BushAdministration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)

ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a specialTWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTIONRETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST).(JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Boardmember Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, andbe named the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)

SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH "Kicker" LIMBAUGH(sponsored by Eli Lilly) SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)

OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing"Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial "TORCH OF FREEDOM"with the (actual) Bill of Rights.

TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FIRE ENGINE RED, andANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN. CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" --

DICK CHENEY will introduce andpersonally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMABIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by WayneLaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)

PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama's deadbody FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech:"Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The CourseEvil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The CourseDemocracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay thecourse Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doersThings are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay TheCourse Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the courseTrust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things aregreat Jesus speaks to me. G'night everybody!"