some humor...some insight
No Politician Left Behind
Geov Parrish - WorkingForChange.com
08.26.04 - As this year's presidential race winds to its dreary climax, the 18 months of campaigning to date have taught us one thing all too clearly: there are no particular qualifications for this job. Sure, the ability to raise money, look good, speak in pithy, vaguely reassuring sound bites, raise money, look good, and raise money all help. But you can hire people to do these things for you. Given that our two finalists include a rich guy who's never run anything, and a rich guy who's run everything he's ever touched into the ground -- including his present office -- the question is begged: what are the qualifications, anyway? Holding office means lots of responsibility; can we afford another four years of such stunning incompetence? How do we know it won't happen again?
The answer is simple. My proposal -- modestly entitled the "No Politician Left Behind Act of 2004" -- is a standardized test to ensure at least minimal competence among those seeking America's highest post. Even college athletes -- despite their ability to jump, throw, and raise money -- have to get at least passing test scores before going on to a career of dropped passes and dropped charges. If we require proof of at least minimal brainpower from our linebackers and power forwards, surely the President of the United States of America can be held to similar standards.
As a start, and to save millions in taxpayer-paid consulting fees (I'll work for way less), here are a few questions for a possible LSAT (Lifetime Sinecure Achievement Test). The questions will, of course, change from campaign to campaign -- otherwise, it's frighteningly likely someone would cheat.
Are You Qualified to be President?
1. A wealthy oil company executive comes to you with a detailed plan for a new national energy policy that would mean billions in federal subsidies for his company. Your first thought is of: (a) lawsuits (b) re-election (c) your broker (d) the vice president
2. Press conferences are best held in (a) the daytime (b) the evening (c) case of emergency only (d) a really nice resort
3. Which of the following describes a national emergency that should take precedence over all over national business? (a) A major earthquake levels California. (b) A major defense contractor wants you to kiss their butt. (c) A foreign dictator has large reserves of oil you'd kinda like for yourself. (d) A major donor wants to steer Air Force One. (e) all of the above (f) all except (a)
4. Politics is the art of the... (a) possible (b) compromise (c) deal (d) bribe (e) TV commercial (f) smear job
5. How many countries should the USA invade each year? (a) As many as the budget allows (b) As many as our PR abilities allow (c) How many military contractors donated to me?
6. A terrorist hijacks an airliner in Boston at 6 AM. Another terrorist hijacks another airliner in Los Angeles at 9 AM. Assuming a direct collision course, when and where will they meet? (a) Noon over Denver. (b) After extensive evasive action, noon over Denver. (c) Who cares? (d) Six years later, after innumerable Orange Alerts
7. "Prescription drug coverage" is derived from the Latin term perkus giganticus, which, in English, means: (a) corporate welfare (b) bribe (c) drug the nation (d) call my broker
8. God's mandate for public policy can be found, word for word, in: (a) the Bible (b) the Koran (c) Daddy's Rolodex. (d) a missile silo in North Dakota, but Mulder will never get there in time
9. Your opponent was decorated in battle 14 times, while you spent the war in St. Tropez under questionable circumstances. Your best bet is to make a campaign issue out of (a) his courage (b) whether there was a war at all (c) his pasty complexion (d) his inability to throw a good party
10. Which of the following public entities should be privatized to increase efficiency? (a) all social services (b) Social Security and Medicare (c) the armed forces (d) Congress (e) all of the above
11. Fundraising is... (a) the oldest profession (b) a necessary evil of public office (c) a chance to spread your political beliefs (d) an opportunity to learn your political beliefs (e) life itself
12. The single greatest threat to America's national security is: (a) protesters (b) any country that has something we want (c) weapons of mass destruction in anyone else's possession (d) teenagers (e) young African-American men, voting
13. Which of the following phrases will you, at the end of your term, have used most frequently to describe your actions? (a) "It made our country a better place." (b) "It was legal." (c) "It was an emergency." (d) "It created jobs." (e) "It made my friends richer." (f) "Hahahaha..."
Geov Parrish - WorkingForChange.com
08.26.04 - As this year's presidential race winds to its dreary climax, the 18 months of campaigning to date have taught us one thing all too clearly: there are no particular qualifications for this job. Sure, the ability to raise money, look good, speak in pithy, vaguely reassuring sound bites, raise money, look good, and raise money all help. But you can hire people to do these things for you. Given that our two finalists include a rich guy who's never run anything, and a rich guy who's run everything he's ever touched into the ground -- including his present office -- the question is begged: what are the qualifications, anyway? Holding office means lots of responsibility; can we afford another four years of such stunning incompetence? How do we know it won't happen again?
The answer is simple. My proposal -- modestly entitled the "No Politician Left Behind Act of 2004" -- is a standardized test to ensure at least minimal competence among those seeking America's highest post. Even college athletes -- despite their ability to jump, throw, and raise money -- have to get at least passing test scores before going on to a career of dropped passes and dropped charges. If we require proof of at least minimal brainpower from our linebackers and power forwards, surely the President of the United States of America can be held to similar standards.
As a start, and to save millions in taxpayer-paid consulting fees (I'll work for way less), here are a few questions for a possible LSAT (Lifetime Sinecure Achievement Test). The questions will, of course, change from campaign to campaign -- otherwise, it's frighteningly likely someone would cheat.
Are You Qualified to be President?
1. A wealthy oil company executive comes to you with a detailed plan for a new national energy policy that would mean billions in federal subsidies for his company. Your first thought is of: (a) lawsuits (b) re-election (c) your broker (d) the vice president
2. Press conferences are best held in (a) the daytime (b) the evening (c) case of emergency only (d) a really nice resort
3. Which of the following describes a national emergency that should take precedence over all over national business? (a) A major earthquake levels California. (b) A major defense contractor wants you to kiss their butt. (c) A foreign dictator has large reserves of oil you'd kinda like for yourself. (d) A major donor wants to steer Air Force One. (e) all of the above (f) all except (a)
4. Politics is the art of the... (a) possible (b) compromise (c) deal (d) bribe (e) TV commercial (f) smear job
5. How many countries should the USA invade each year? (a) As many as the budget allows (b) As many as our PR abilities allow (c) How many military contractors donated to me?
6. A terrorist hijacks an airliner in Boston at 6 AM. Another terrorist hijacks another airliner in Los Angeles at 9 AM. Assuming a direct collision course, when and where will they meet? (a) Noon over Denver. (b) After extensive evasive action, noon over Denver. (c) Who cares? (d) Six years later, after innumerable Orange Alerts
7. "Prescription drug coverage" is derived from the Latin term perkus giganticus, which, in English, means: (a) corporate welfare (b) bribe (c) drug the nation (d) call my broker
8. God's mandate for public policy can be found, word for word, in: (a) the Bible (b) the Koran (c) Daddy's Rolodex. (d) a missile silo in North Dakota, but Mulder will never get there in time
9. Your opponent was decorated in battle 14 times, while you spent the war in St. Tropez under questionable circumstances. Your best bet is to make a campaign issue out of (a) his courage (b) whether there was a war at all (c) his pasty complexion (d) his inability to throw a good party
10. Which of the following public entities should be privatized to increase efficiency? (a) all social services (b) Social Security and Medicare (c) the armed forces (d) Congress (e) all of the above
11. Fundraising is... (a) the oldest profession (b) a necessary evil of public office (c) a chance to spread your political beliefs (d) an opportunity to learn your political beliefs (e) life itself
12. The single greatest threat to America's national security is: (a) protesters (b) any country that has something we want (c) weapons of mass destruction in anyone else's possession (d) teenagers (e) young African-American men, voting
13. Which of the following phrases will you, at the end of your term, have used most frequently to describe your actions? (a) "It made our country a better place." (b) "It was legal." (c) "It was an emergency." (d) "It created jobs." (e) "It made my friends richer." (f) "Hahahaha..."
posted by BLONDIE at 5:57 PM
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